Things are changing.
Now that you’re near
Everything is different
Everything’s so different lord
I know I’m not the same
My life you’ve changed
I wanna be with you
I’ve considered making a blog for a while now (since maybe the middle of February?), but I hadn’t gotten around to actually making it until now. I suppose I should be thankful for this gentle lapse of spare time, though many around me would argue that I’m never working anyways. I suppose the purpose of this blog would just be to jot down whatever feelings I have at the time that I feel I can’t express in real life, but it’s impossible for me to be honest with the blog as if it were a completely trustworthy friend (and I haven’t found that in real life, either).
To be honest, I doubt that this blog would somehow make some of my more serious internal conflicts that I shield to myself emerge such that I would willingly discuss with an audience, nonetheless the rest of the world. I don’t even know if I’m willing to discuss them with myself. I know for a fact that if someone tried to talk to me about them, I’d make up something on the spot that would help my new “counselor” feel better about him or herself.
That seems to happen a lot to me. I always end up letting my “other side” talk to their “other side”; nothing gets done except us wasting our breaths and me wondering why those problems are dug so deep. Sometimes I wish that everyone just dropped their masks and spoke honestly with each other.
So if that’s an impossible, idealistic dream, I suppose that dreaming is what I was meant to do. I’ll try to express my true thoughts, the real me, without putting up a barrier of phoniness in front of myself in this blog.
—
Two days ago, an older person who went through college shared with me some of his experiences throughout this time in his life. What he said about the smallest events being used by God as part of his plan got me to think about how I turned back to Jesus, after having several months of shallow darkness, and a whole 18 years of profound wandering. I am truly thankful for those small, but consecutive events that led me back to the Lord.
It reminds me of the book of Esther and how God works in wonderfully mysterious ways. Until the fruition of what God has in store for me, I suppose I won’t know at all what each and every tiny thing that happens to me is supposed to mean.
The only thing I’m sure about, though, is that I am definitely growing and changing.
