The Other Side

This past week I’ve done nothing. When people ask me what new things have happened to me, I have nothing to tell. I’d think that this is just a bout of depression that’s happening with me, but this always happens every so often, and never as soft as the last.

I look back on when I had infinite passion to do things, and I’m filled with envy for my former self.

I go through a short time of limited trust in anyone, when I’m completely dishonest to myself and other people around me; there is not one person in the world that I could speak without hesitation to.

I lose faith in humanity, lose faith in where we’re going, lose faith in what matters to me the most.

But what really does matter to me? Whenever I feel “in the moment” to do something, nothing ever comes of it. Whenever I feel inspired and am in awe, the feelings just die down once I get back home. Whenever I try to concentrate on what should matter to me…in the long run, I get distracted about what really matters to me.

After all, what should matter to me continues to lie in silent night, while what I think about is all over the news all the time, and all over my heart. But whose fault is that?

I know I’m talking abstractly…and on different tangents on every angle, but there really is no one to turn to for some of my problems. I can’t consult with either of the groups of which I belong and of which I love, for both groups despise each other. Each group would know only part of the truth, and I’d still be hiding something.

Sometimes I think I’m like a phoenix: these feelings drag me down to die, but I hope that later I’ll regain my “passion”.

And sometimes I feel like I’m a actor: feeling depressed about the “truth”, but later putting back on my masks to feign who I really am.

Feeling trapped.

I guess this summer’s just been a sad disappointment so far. I was hoping that I’d get to do so much more this summer, but a lot of what I’ve had in mind is hindered by my lack of a car (and my partial fear of driving or general absolute lack of interest in cars). In addition to that, most people already have their own summer plans or have work to do and never seem to have free time to hang out. Not that I would actually go out of my way to ask them to hang out with me, though.

I guess that my lack of asking people to hang out with me is a problem, as well. I’ve always been this way, just waiting for people to attach themselves to me, or me attaching myself to them. It’s always an unspoken thing, not a “go out and do stuff together” type of thing. It’s like getting lunch or dinner together: with friends, one of us will call each other and say “Hey, where do you want to get lunch?” rather than “Hey, want to get lunch?” as with acquaintances/strangers. I always feel immeasurably more awkward when people directly ask me if I want to go do something with them, especially those I consider friends, as it means that they consider me more of an acquaintance than a friend. And the true friends that I do make, I end up investing all of myself in each of them, while not spreading myself amongst other people…

Jon (beloved member of The Six) recently told us that he won’t be coming back to Cal Poly next year. I feel horrible that he’s withdrawing (though some others don’t feel the same way, it feels) because at the beginning of the year he seemed so reserved, and as the year passed, we (The Six and CCF) began to grow closer, which made him open up to us. This was kind of the reason I wasn’t too eager to make friends with the to-be graduates, because they were about to leave and it was likely that I’d never meet them again (this turned out to backfire, as two of the graduates were some of my favorite upperclassmen at the end of the year). However, in Jon’s case, it hurts even more because we didn’t see it coming (and if one of us were to withdraw, he’s one of the last people I’d think of). I know that I should be more sympathetic in this situation…but it just completely dented/changed our rooming plans for next year. It’s going to be hard either way: if we get a new roommate, we won’t know much about him (we’re trying to get someone we know, at the very least), or if we live in a 5-person apartment, that’s a whole other mess to sort out. It’s just a little hard to take…

My walk with God? Not so well. I guess at college there were people who I still had the disillusioned idea that they had a wonderful spiritual life, but didn’t have the annoying tendency to sugar-coat things or act too kind. Those people I took on as my surrogate mentors, cornering them with questions that hounded me during the day, while receiving good advice. Back at home, I don’t have anyone like that. It takes time to fall into a spiritual state while around other people, and just several hours per week is definitely not enough for me to get comfortable around people so that I can open up to them (which makes me wonder how other people and their so called “discipleships” — aka meeting up once a week for lunch — work out). I guess this relates to my awkwardness with acquaintance-friends (as mentioned above) because if they’ve asked me to go out and do something with them, that just adds to the feeling that I shouldn’t place my confidence in them. But if I can’t go and hang out with them because of that psychological barrier, then I end up not spending any time with them. This was solved in the dorms, when I could just stumble over to my friend’s room in less than five minutes, but here the quickest I can get to someone is online or on the phone. I just need someone who I trust a lot, who equally trusts me, who looks to me like they have a healthy spiritual life, and who won’t hold back when rebuking me. Not that I haven’t found someone like that, but I haven’t met anyone here who doesn’t have a sugar-tooth for the truth. I don’t think they’re “being nice”; I think they’re being cautious…or those that don’t sugar-coat things, it just feels like they’re lying through their teeth, or being puppeted by their superiors to say certain things.

Other than this whole seeking a mentor thing (or should the mentor seek a disciple? If so, I wish that they would call me out already. Or God calls them to call me out.), I’ve been “given” — I say this with quotes because I’ve volunteered for a lot of these, but I still feel pressured to do them — plenty of “accountability” work to do, including, but not limited to, SHMAKT groups reflection, reading and conference call, call to TJ, my summer accountability partner (who unfortunately lives in Redding, so we can’t…actually meet up), reading the Bible in a year, weekly homework for Thursday small groups, helping out at VBS, learning guitar for worship, etc. I thought that when I signed up for these that I’d be more spiritually driven. I’ve prayed to God that I don’t plateau on my walk with Him during the summer, especially after all the progress I’ve made since the winter, but that’s exactly what it feels like is happening right now. I don’t feel the Holy Spirit driving me to do things anymore, and I don’t feel like God is with me anymore. Maybe I’m just spiritually exhausted, but I really wish that not only my passion was reignited, but I had a way to channel that passion into something constructive.

Bah, why am I even up this late?

God, I need help.