Christian Confidants
Why would they marginalize and laugh at your problems?
Maybe they aren’t trying to be mean or insensitive, but that they don’t know how to react. The consequence is that they laugh and poke fun because it’s more comfortable than having to deal with or think about the harder issue at hand.
—
But he clung so tightly to what he had known that by the end of the day, he was right where he was, and learned nothing, and grew nothing, and got nowhere nearer or further from the truth. It was no different than if I had tried to push a brick wall down.
Something to Believe
I am hiding from some beast, but the beast was always here.
Watching without eyes, because the beast is just my fear that I am just nothing.
Now its just what I’ve become, what am I waiting for, it’s already done.
Random
Dinh (2:26:17 AM): “• Digital day counters: Gizmos that count the days and hours food has been in the refrigerator, to help keep track of when that milk might be in danger of going bad.”
Dinh (2:26:22 AM): Are you kidding me?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dinh (2:26:36 AM): the milk carton already has an expiration date -___-;;
itsatai (2:26:47 AM): lolol
itsatai (2:27:30 AM): oo they should make refrigerators with a hole on the outside like those water dispensers but you can put your own drink on the inside
Dinh (2:28:02 AM): and drink through the hole?
itsatai (2:28:10 AM): no >.>
itsatai (2:28:14 AM): you put your cup under the hole
itsatai (2:28:18 AM): and press a button
itsatai (2:28:21 AM): and it dispenses
itsatai (2:28:25 AM): you’ve never seen one?
itsatai (2:28:26 AM): for water
Dinh (2:28:36 AM): they have that already….
itsatai (2:28:49 AM): but for a customizable drink?
Dinh (2:29:11 AM): ahh i see…but can’t you just refrigerate your drink
Dinh (2:29:16 AM): or put it in a pitcher?
itsatai (2:29:27 AM): yeah but then i have to lift my arm to hold the drink
itsatai (2:29:36 AM): and if i never got enough milk in the first place
Dinh (2:29:43 AM): you have to lift your arm to drink the drink….hahahhaha
itsatai (2:29:44 AM): i couldn’t have the strength or the strong bones to pick up a gallon
itsatai (2:29:54 AM): and then i couldn’t drink any milk to get stronger!
itsatai (2:29:57 AM): it’s a terrible cycle
Dinh (2:30:23 AM): perhaps the amazing invention of straws will help you cure your woes
Dinh (2:30:38 AM): no lifting of cup or carton required!
Dinh (2:30:52 AM): heheheh
itsatai (2:30:56 AM): ew like put a straw in the gallon and just open the fridge door and drink from the straw?
Dinh (2:31:07 AM): yes
itsatai (2:31:09 AM): LOL
itsatai (2:31:14 AM): interesting
Dinh (2:31:20 AM): as long as you don’t backwash
Dinh (2:31:26 AM): and throw away every straw you use
itsatai (2:31:31 AM): oh
itsatai (2:31:33 AM): sai cheen
Dinh (2:32:09 AM): plus you get to enjoy paid air conditioning as you drink your beverage, it doesn’t get any better than that!
Dinh (2:33:06 AM): the production cost for a personalized beverage dispenser could cost hundreds of dollars, but straws will cost you less than a penny for one!
itsatai (2:33:15 AM): i’d still have to open the fridge door
itsatai (2:33:32 AM): which weigh like a billion pounds
Dinh (2:34:18 AM): yes, but opening the fridge door is beneficial to your health. that billion of pounds of weight you pull on can burn the calories that you are not burning when you sit on your couch
itsatai (2:36:47 AM): my lack of milk has left me with no choice but to lie on a couch all day
Dinh (2:37:44 AM): how will dispensing your milk be any different than direct drinking through a straw?
itsatai (2:38:00 AM): cause i can just put a cup against the wall and drink it
itsatai (2:38:08 AM): instead of having to open up my fridge door
itsatai (2:38:16 AM): bend down to reach the milk’s level in the refridgerator
itsatai (2:38:42 AM): and then exert even more energy by inhaling and concentrating on not buckling over due to my weak legs
Dinh (2:39:24 AM): but if you had a dispenser you’d have to tippy toe for a cup
Dinh (2:39:48 AM): and you must physically hold that cup from the cabinet to the refrigerator
Dinh (2:39:57 AM): then be able to dispense your milk
itsatai (2:40:11 AM): hmm true
Dinh (2:40:36 AM): and not to mention the hassel of cleaning your milk dispenser to keep it from smelling bad
itsatai (2:41:07 AM): as opposed to traveling 60 miles in the snow to buy a new pack of straws?!
Dinh (2:41:09 AM): *hassle
Dinh (2:41:24 AM): nooooo, you can get your straws when you buy your milk!
Dinh (2:41:50 AM): or if you order online, safeway makes free grocery deliveries
itsatai (2:42:51 AM): safeway doesn’t deliver to the countryside
itsatai (2:43:04 AM): where i trade corn and knowledge for gallons of milk
Dinh (2:43:44 AM): if you live in the country side, then it would definitely be a bad idea for a built milk dispenser
Dinh (2:44:02 AM): if it breaks down, technicians from india may not be able to assist you over the phone
Dinh (2:44:28 AM): or they won’t be able to locate your house for in house calls
itsatai (2:44:52 AM): it’s okay, my cousin jimjam bob works for the refridgerator company
itsatai (2:45:02 AM): which is how i pit the idea of the changeable dispenser to them in the first place
Dinh (2:45:26 AM): well your next door neighbor happens to be the local straw supplier
itsatai (2:45:49 AM): yes but my next door neighbor lives 60 miles away because it’s the countryside
itsatai (2:46:03 AM): in the opposite direction of the milk farmers
itsatai (2:46:24 AM): ps
itsatai (2:46:27 AM): you still owe me and tj a cake
Some Days
Some days you think that you’re special, that you’re here to make a mark in the world, that you’re here to take a crack at the world’s problems, that you’re one day going to be a revered name that people know.
But then you remember that there are nearly 7 billion other people on the planet here with you, most with their own dreams and aspirations, and suddenly you’re not so sure of yourself anymore, despite what the novels, stories, TV programs, plays, and comics have all grounded into your mind.
If only, if only
We try so hard, imagine so hard, think so hard of what could happen, if only.
It seems so perfect, so ideal, if only!
I feel like the maharajah, who desires for her so much, and could offer the courtesan anything she pleases. But, like the maharajah, it’s impossible for any of my courtesans to love me.
Don’t you know that I could love you so much? I could love you better and more than anyone else in this world, yet my love is worthless, forgotten, and mocked because of reasons for which I have no one to blame. You don’t even deserve my love, not a single bit. I can’t imagine anyone (even myself) drooling over you (as I do), thinking about you every second, waking or sleeping (as I do), or ripping their heart out and serving it to you on a silver platter (as I do). Yet for reasons unknown I try to throw myself at you, hoping you’ll notice, or even care, and get caught in your arms. Instead, I end up falling lower than where I was before, without you even having had bat an eye.
How can you be so apathetic? How can you not notice?
Yet my heart still tries to reason; it says, “You’re just hiding. Let me bring you out into the light,” and “You really do love me, but you just won’t show it,” and “Maybe.” I would have listened, had it been like before, but now at least I’ve scathed past one before (and barely came out alive), and my idea(l) of love and destiny and fate is slowly deteriorating, with each blow.
Because what kind of God would allow that to happen? If He were the God of my life, then why is everything (that I care about) going so wrong, while what I care about in others’ lives are going completely fine? If He were the God of my life, then why are the roads towards him closing up, and the roads that turn away from him opening so quickly? If He were the God of my life, then why does my heart so freely and powerfully go towards the “wrong” (if it really is wrong, but that’s another story), when my mind and my spirit wish to grow (closer) to God?
Though that’s pretty much effed: my mind and my spirit now follow my heart begrudgingly, while my heart slowly brakes (and breaks). I now only go to church hoping for some message or some words that will magically restore everything back to normal, but all I hear are voices saying that I deserve better than to be deprived of my heart’s function.
It’s funny, the more I deviate from my “faith,” the more I feel like I’m approaching a point where I can stop lying about everything, while in actuality it was my own “faith” that forbade lying.
What happens next? None of my relationships will be the same, since I’ve integrated myself so much into this vineyard. One thing is for sure though, I did not find happiness or joy or peace in religion.
Nothing like what those turnarounds say, probably because I’ve never turned around.
“Community”
You take a sprout and never water it, and you expect it to grow, much less have fruit? You won’t have the opportunity to choke this plant any longer; it’s already long been withered.
Pathetic Existence
Looking for “true” love,
the spirits wandered around
lacking any hope.
I love Jesus. Thank God that His grace and forgiveness extends further than the betrayal of my heart.
But my heart still fills my mind with endless possibilities, boundless fantasies of improbable circumstance that (so my heart says) would make me happy. It extrapolates what I feel in real life, but my mind doesn’t understand trickery, and still is a slave to my heart.
Each pill will be more bitter than the last, magnifying current problems to that of the sum of every problem that would have occurred in the future.
Breakaway
I’m so close to the edge now, I’m frightened by the idea of leaving the church and fellowship of the God who supposedly loves me.
Nothing that I learn or observe just makes any sense to me anymore:
- I see people petition God in prayer for different things, yet for some reason the things that they ask for are rarely admonished by Christian peers as selfish or against God’s will. Instead, they are promised with the idea of respect from peers and riches and prosperity (albeit not the prosperity gospel), and meanwhile I care not about respect from peers nor riches nor prosperity, the sole desire of my heart that I would ever ask of God is something that would never align with his word, not in an infinite time. How can God be a benefactor of my happiness if the one thing of myself that would make me happy is something that he hates?
- I’ve been spending so much more time with my brothers and sisters in Christ, yet the more time I spend with them, the more I feel that no one is really there for me. No one would ever just listen to my case, without having their own judgments and opinions to try to push upon me. They tell me that what I know to be impossible is possible, having never given my position much more than a few seconds of thought in the first place.
- I’ve been serving God more often and in greater magnitude. I actually led worship at CCF on Friday, and I tried to keep in my mind the whole time to direct other CCFers to the gospel and its wonderful message, despite my own clashing thoughts. But even after that, the crushing realization of my hopeless and helpless position occupies my mind like an unstoppable cancer.
- I can’t come up with a reason other than friendship (or to see that person) that I really stay at CCF (or any fellowship for that matter), and I can’t really think of a good reason why I go to church anymore.
- Reading the Bible is humorous because my mind picks out passages that highlight my position through irony (for example: “We love because he first loved us.” [1 John 4:19]) and I don’t really learn anything because I think to myself, “This doesn’t really apply to me anymore because it’s so obviously disassociated with my problem.”
- I’m thinking about ending my life not only when I’m alone and emo, but when I’m with other people and am supposedly (superficially) happy now.
- No one really cares, or if they do, they don’t have the time or the effort or the desire to try to find out what’s wrong with me.
- I am attacked within stereotypes so often in my own “family” in Christ.
I hope(d) — no, I wish(ed) — that someone would just pay attention to me and that I could be someone special to anyone.
But that won’t ever happen, because it’s against God’s will, and consequently, God’s plan for me. If I reason that I’m just a bad Christian for not sacrificing everything, then comes the thought of why God gives me all of the blessings that don’t and never matter to me; what kind of father gives his son a snake when he asks for a fish? Why does everyone else get the simple struggles? Struggles that if they rescinded to the Lord God Almighty, they would still be able to have happiness in their lives at all?
How unfortunate that the only way my plea to be heard and to be re-convinced of the Lord’s faithfulness/goodness/love will be heard is if I make the initiation and blindly reveal myself to the barren, outside world first. Therefore, I do my eternal self a favor by asking for help.
