Hope
I fear that my sparks of motivation to do things are only driven by false, subtle and perhaps subconscious hopes that something that could happen would happen.
But don’t we all know how that ends? The result can’t be changed, and so the story goes.
Pathetic Existence
Looking for “true” love,
the spirits wandered around
lacking any hope.
I love Jesus. Thank God that His grace and forgiveness extends further than the betrayal of my heart.
But my heart still fills my mind with endless possibilities, boundless fantasies of improbable circumstance that (so my heart says) would make me happy. It extrapolates what I feel in real life, but my mind doesn’t understand trickery, and still is a slave to my heart.
Each pill will be more bitter than the last, magnifying current problems to that of the sum of every problem that would have occurred in the future.
I’ve wandered so far from the person I am.
My state of vulnerability scares me. I thought I was mad at you, but I had a dream that you’d just ask me to do something I’d never do, but in just the right tone and the right look and the right words, and just like that, I’m all yours again. I’m not supposed to have feelings like this, but still, my mind and heart don’t want to give them up, and they both are striving their hardest to fight against what God commands.
Then on the next level up, I realize that I don’t want to give up these feelings either. And I probably never will be able to give them up for good.
Thank goodness Satan doesn’t have the capability to tempt me with this. But then I realize I wished he did, and I realize how easily I’d turn around and give up God so quickly.
Why won’t Satan tempt me? Why won’t God deliver me?
It’s like I’m trying to find a way, without a light to my feet, nor with darkness clouding my path. Maybe I’m not on the path at all, or maybe I’m not moving at all.
Dreams
The sin that I commit is wishing that the sins I commit in my dreams came true.
We’re forbidden to love because He first loved us.
What do you surrender?
“Surrender – to give oneself up into the power of another, especially as a prisoner; to submit or give in to.”
-wiktionary.org
During half day of prayer, I had a lot of time to reflect on what I’ve been going through more roughly the past week (and somewhat equally roughly the past year). It’s a wonderment to me how God manages to speak a clear point through his word (in the form of a seemingly mental slap), no matter what mindset, angers, confusions, or doubts with which I may be burdened at the time. A human mind cannot form a conclusion that is seemingly the opposite of what it desires without the grace and power of God.
Specifically, the revelation I had was that I had no idea what it meant to “surrender all.” How ironic that that was the first worship song that I learned to play and sing at the same time, without knowing what it meant.Yet I still believed I was something near a good or a pious Christian. Oh how terribly wrong I was. Praise God for this revelation.
What surrendering all isn’t is going through life with the ideology that “if I give something up, then God will bless me by giving it back to me.” That is simply selfish, and pretends that God is some kind of formula for getting more of what you desire. It’s also very inapplicable in my life: given the circumstances, when I finally am able to give this up, I know for a fact that I won’t be getting it back.
That is probably what scares me the most — not getting it back. I was thinking for the past few days, like some kind of a maniac, “I wish Satan would tempt me with my sins — at least I’d be happy if I fell into them.” I could probably still be easily manipulated by the world if he did tempt me, even while rejecting that thought (another thing that frightens me — less though), because I was/am envious of those who aren’t “bound” by the apparent chains of Christianity. I digress, though I really do pray that my love and trust in God grows, since it’s doubt that stirs up these feelings of unrest, envy, and dis-ease.
But I know what’s right, according to the Law of the Lord, and I should offer my body (including the sexual part) as a living sacrifice to God. Therefore I should (happily?) give up every aspect of my life for the sake of Christ. However, this is much more difficult than I have ever imagined, since what I’m supposed to be giving up has been, most simply put, the most craved aspect of my future that both my parents and I have ever dreamed or aspired about. It’s not anything material like money or a career, but something so much more personal and integral of my life that I am so scared that if removed, I’ll be left as an empty shell for a person, since no one else in this world seems to have the same problem as I.
It is truly a struggle for me. I often catch myself dreaming of what life would be like if I were to follow my sinful nature, and struggle even more when I don’t see anything wrong with it, nor does most of society see anything wrong with it (the general public). I really can’t imagine at all what words He’ll say to me to make me stop feeling the resentment and hatred that would come out of suffering for the sake of Christ if I manage to overcome this struggle.
I guess I will just wait and see, though there is not one day of my life that I stop praying that the Lord takes me home sooner, so that I won’t have to suffer more of a life of melancholy and self-resentment. The only reason why I don’t do it myself is that I also hope that the Lord has some need for me, and that I will fulfill whatever plan he has in store for me.
I need to surrender.
Something’s not right
I haven’t had to use sleeping pills to sleep for the past three days, yet the cause is the opposite; I’ve been standing on shaky ground with my faith and am a quickly falling star, but still I am rewarded with sleep. It’s supposed to be the other way around: with more things on my mind, I should have more trouble sleeping.
Not that I mind being able to sleep, but it’s just weird to think I’m being awarded for insolence against the great Almighty. Either that, or He’s not sovereign over my sleeping pattern.
A while back I read this verse:
2 In vain you rise early
and stay up late,
toiling for food to eat—
for he grants sleep to [a] those he loves.
-Psalm 127:2 (NIV)
and now it seems to have some sort of an application. I guess God is reminding me that he loves me.
I just can’t accept this event for that message though, since at the time when I read that verse, I was still having sleeping trouble. If I had sleep trouble then, does that mean that God didn’t love me? Or if God did love me, why didn’t he grant sleep to me at that time?
Though it seems to be mattering less and less about God’s love these days…
Sweet Clarity
I’ve been selfish. It’s the sinful nature of which I need to let go. It’s just that mine is a little different from most others’.
It’s interesting: love is my forbidden fruit, yet love, pure love, is what saved me.
I wonder where God will lead me from here? I feel like I can do anything, and won’t be fazed.
Increasingly Radical
celibacy (uncountable)
I’m not sure if I’m to take use first definition or second in my context. If it’s the second, I think that my earthly life can still end up happy, but if it’s the first, I will never know true love or passion in this life. Knowing that my two choices are make-or-break, this begs the question as to why happiness is so firmly rooted in my actions.
Though intellectually it makes sense (I’ll have to endure persecution for my faith), I cannot understand it emotionally, since most obviously, why would someone do something if it doesn’t grant them satisfaction? Either I’ve been living my life in (ir)rational fear of God’s punishment, or the Holy Spirit has been working in me so that I’ve been continuing (or maybe putting up with?) my faith rather than doing things for my own happiness.
However, if I go with the latter, then the only answer of why I’m so uncomfortable with the idea of giving up my potential happy life is that it’s an idol.
Hmm.
Perspective
Your testimony really put things into perspective for me. My problems really aren’t that bad; I never got close to drugs or alcohol or murder.
But what chilled my bones is when you said that when you first went to fellowship you sensed no hostility and could put your guard down, and when I look at my own life, I can’t say the same thing (for the latter part, at least). I haven’t let my guard down at all, to anyone here in SLO, yet they are supposed to be my brothers and sisters in Christ.
Maybe that’s the problem. “In Christ.” I know Christianity isn’t supposed to impose any rules or legalism on the religion, since the whole point of the crucifixion was to free us from the law, yet I still felt that the yoke I have is insanely difficult. I’m glad that you shared your testimony, because my yoke really isn’t that difficult. But if it isn’t that difficult, then why does it tax my happiness so?
I still feel like everywhere I turn, those “in Christ” will turn back and judge me for something I can’t even change of myself (which is the greatest reminder that I have no self worth, and that I’ve only been saved by grace). However, much as half of my mind would like to give it all up to Him and follow Christ, the other half and my heart wish to simply do whatever it wants (which isn’t much different from any NORMAL person, all facts considered).
Yet with this light yoke, my mind is torn and my heart beats and flutters towards Hell. And there is not one brother or sister “in Christ” (here) with whom I am comfortable sharing ANYTHING.
I feel like if I turn one direction, I’ll never be happy again. I can’t even imagine a single word of what Jesus would say to me to begin comforting the discomfort I’ve had with myself. I can’t imagine how there will be no sorrow nor pain in heaven when the very essence of my life is a sin. If indeed in sin did my mother conceive me, then what do I have?
I feel like if I turn the other direction, I’ll be happy, at the cost of eternal life in a fiery pit. But who knows if it will actually make me happy? Will I become just another person who seeks night after night for the one thing that will fill him or her up? Or will it really be true, and I’ll truly be happy with my decision.
Unfortunately, according to both camps, neither “decision” was mine in the first place.
That’s another thing: election. What if someone pursues God for 40 years of his life, and then finally decides that he’s not elect? His works can’t save him; and he just wasted half his life on Earth learning about what he won’t have as he burns in Hell for the rest of eternity. Or someone like Jacob and his mother. Just because Jacob was elect, he was exempt from the punishment of deceiving his brother and father. Blatant lying can get you into heaven, I guess, since His grace is not determined by our actions.
Whatever, I’m on the edge of falling out, I think. So close to just throwing in the towel of religion and saying “I’m done.” The ONLY thing that is keeping me is just that I’m afraid of burning: I don’t feel the love, fellowship, trust, or anything anymore. And of course, if I’m simply Christian because I’m afraid of burning, then I’m not really a Christian at all, am I?
Oh and did I mention, no one knows I feel like this?
Price
The price of happiness is God; the cost of religion is my happiness.
