Perspective
Your testimony really put things into perspective for me. My problems really aren’t that bad; I never got close to drugs or alcohol or murder.
But what chilled my bones is when you said that when you first went to fellowship you sensed no hostility and could put your guard down, and when I look at my own life, I can’t say the same thing (for the latter part, at least). I haven’t let my guard down at all, to anyone here in SLO, yet they are supposed to be my brothers and sisters in Christ.
Maybe that’s the problem. “In Christ.” I know Christianity isn’t supposed to impose any rules or legalism on the religion, since the whole point of the crucifixion was to free us from the law, yet I still felt that the yoke I have is insanely difficult. I’m glad that you shared your testimony, because my yoke really isn’t that difficult. But if it isn’t that difficult, then why does it tax my happiness so?
I still feel like everywhere I turn, those “in Christ” will turn back and judge me for something I can’t even change of myself (which is the greatest reminder that I have no self worth, and that I’ve only been saved by grace). However, much as half of my mind would like to give it all up to Him and follow Christ, the other half and my heart wish to simply do whatever it wants (which isn’t much different from any NORMAL person, all facts considered).
Yet with this light yoke, my mind is torn and my heart beats and flutters towards Hell. And there is not one brother or sister “in Christ” (here) with whom I am comfortable sharing ANYTHING.
I feel like if I turn one direction, I’ll never be happy again. I can’t even imagine a single word of what Jesus would say to me to begin comforting the discomfort I’ve had with myself. I can’t imagine how there will be no sorrow nor pain in heaven when the very essence of my life is a sin. If indeed in sin did my mother conceive me, then what do I have?
I feel like if I turn the other direction, I’ll be happy, at the cost of eternal life in a fiery pit. But who knows if it will actually make me happy? Will I become just another person who seeks night after night for the one thing that will fill him or her up? Or will it really be true, and I’ll truly be happy with my decision.
Unfortunately, according to both camps, neither “decision” was mine in the first place.
That’s another thing: election. What if someone pursues God for 40 years of his life, and then finally decides that he’s not elect? His works can’t save him; and he just wasted half his life on Earth learning about what he won’t have as he burns in Hell for the rest of eternity. Or someone like Jacob and his mother. Just because Jacob was elect, he was exempt from the punishment of deceiving his brother and father. Blatant lying can get you into heaven, I guess, since His grace is not determined by our actions.
Whatever, I’m on the edge of falling out, I think. So close to just throwing in the towel of religion and saying “I’m done.” The ONLY thing that is keeping me is just that I’m afraid of burning: I don’t feel the love, fellowship, trust, or anything anymore. And of course, if I’m simply Christian because I’m afraid of burning, then I’m not really a Christian at all, am I?
Oh and did I mention, no one knows I feel like this?
Price
The price of happiness is God; the cost of religion is my happiness.
Just another
I’m just another, you’re just another, we’re all just others.
If to live is Christ and to die is gain, why does it feel so melancholy either way?
Turn or Burn
The benefit of the doubt you’re giving your brother will soon lead him straight to hell.
Thanks a lot.
Hum
“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand.
The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”
Henri Nouwen
Ugh
I was happier when I had nothing and my dreams, but now I only have nothing.
I never should have told you anything. What did being honest accomplish?
Obviously my mind cannot comprehend God’s love, because it feels like there’s a gaping hole in my heart.
What is my God trying to do? Something went very, very wrong, somewhere along the way, if there was ever a way at all.
“I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”
Mark 9:24b
It’s sad
Not one of my friends realize that I live through life every day hoping that a drunk driver will run me over and end it all.
Like a Rebel
Though I’ve tried to harmonize
these different thoughts, I’ve realized
that I’m lost between two paths too far,
and no matter what, I’m paralyzed.
I’ve been adopted to your family,
yet I look around and still I see
forgotten people and more mysteries
and my hands fly up to cover my eyes.
And I remember you, for what you did, and for what you paid
But like a rebel I still turn away.
Oh why do I always feel this way?
Oh why do I always feel this way?
Why can’t I just believe in you?
I put all my faith on the table, on you,
but all I hear are the crickets’ cries,
and whatever I do, it still hurts inside.
Somehow I know you’re by my side,
and I always know that you’re on my mind.
But can’t you please open up to me,
so I still know that you believe in me?
And I remember you, for what you did, and for what you paid
But like a rebel I still turn away.
Oh why do I always feel this way?
Oh why do I always feel this way?
Oh why do I always feel this way?
Oh why do I always feel this way?
Lost
With the only choice to throw your queen to save the king, is it cowardice to forfeit and save both?
Fork
Neither was ever a choice, yet to identify in one is to ignore the other.
I wish you’d take my hand and take me away from all of this.
You know that we’d be so happy together, but you don’t know that I believe so too.
I can’t believe you’re just letting me sit here and stew anger and resentment towards you.
Yet to fix it all it would just take a few simple words or a sign that you still believe in me.
I get this feeling that you’re not even there, and you’re just ignoring my prayers of anguish.
Yes, I think I still trust in you for now, but if I’m to try avoid losing you, why can’t you make a better case for yourself?
